I'm not exactly sure what this blog is going to be yet. An online diary of sorts (duh, like all blogs), a place where I can sort of hole up with all my nutso ideas and thoughts and blurt them out there for the world to discover...
I love people who post their gross insides all over the internet via Twitter and FB and all those other public sites, then whine about privacy. Give it a rest, cocksuckers. Really. I just saw Hot Tub Time Machine the other night and when the girl tried to keep in touch with the boy, she said, 'Maybe the universe will bring us back together'. No IMing, no FBing, no tweeting or email or any of that shit. Simple. Beautiful. Cosmic.
Retch.
Trying not to be angry today. Trying to work that anger out, squeeze it like a rag full of old mildewy liquid that's been left at the bottom of your laundry basket or something. But. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I get angry about what you robbed me of…robbed me of a family, these people to whom I have no real connection anymore. You were my lifeline to them. Now, well.
So, no. I haven’t fully forgiven you yet. It’s been over three years and I share my bed with someone new…I have picked up my life and dropped it across the country, so many miles away from everything that fell apart. And in some ways, it’s better. In others…it’s exactly the same.
The silences are like cement blocks sitting on my chest. Sometimes I think it’s enough to reverse my breathing, to allow it to rise up in my chest and fly out, looking for a place to land. Hard.
I don’t know. My new life feels like I’m forever jamming a square peg into a round hole…if you push hard enough, eventually the sharp edges will wear down and it will fit, because there’s nothing else it can do.
Right?
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